Below is one of the issues that people often ask me. The situation is one that is not uncommon when it comes to erotic power exchange: one partner wishes, the other does not. We hope that this question and the answer will help others.
The Question
"I am looking for information that might bear on the problems that arise in a relationship, especially in a marriage, when one partner shows trends in the BDSM. Vanilla I am married to a man who believes it is dominant. Summer We married eight years, and until about two years ago, I had no idea that he had such interest. We have made some experiments because it "fate", but I is not at all about this appeal to everyone. It is possible that the circumstances of some of our meetings turned to me, but believe me, turn it off is permanent.
I read a ton of information on this subject, read stories, spoke at the same time at home (me) s and subsidiaries, have talked with my husband,… I am one of those poor saps who dull is not alone.
My husband and I have reached a point in our marriage, when he decided he needed to shelve its BD notions. There are approximately one week, the question was whether I was the stronger pull or BD was the strongest attraction. When I started talking about taking a little time out of wedlock give him a chance to sort out her feelings (it is difficult to be married for eight years and realize that you may not be picked) He said, categorically, that he would put aside his feelings for BDSM and focus on the marriage.
It appears that our options are as follows: he racks his desires, I try to find a way to play with him (not going to happen), we are negotiating a way for him to find another "room" partner (it is me because I whoozy understand the emotional involvement needed and do not think I can cope), we split up, and it is continuing its needs without the baggage of a spouse vanilla (not a terribly happy considering I love this Little Guy).
My question is: how is it likely that these sentiments will arise in the future and cause more conflict? We discussed the possibility of his discovery of a sub with a "no sex" relationship with her. But a number of things have a problem with that possibility. No. 1, I believe that the erotic power of exchange, whether or not relations, is a form of sex (in other words, I am monogamous terminal). I am sorry if I repeat myself. No. 2, he does not want to "ground" marriage to his needs (rather than ground for divorce, I suppose). No. 3, he can not find a partner.
Anyway, if you know of resources, people, articles, books, organizations, angels, fairy godmothers, or ANYONE ANYTHING that could help me find some answers on this point, I am grateful that I - well, I do not know what. I am at a point where I fight issues of trust, betrayal (self and spouse), the fear, and so I looked through your list of books and articles and do anything that vaguely resembled useful.
I apologize for the intimate and personal tone of this e-mail, but I am a little desperate. We are about to ask for advice (ug! But it is necessary), but something tells me that I can not find answers there, the focus will be on why it is the way it is. I am grateful to have found your site. The list of steps MOST is enlightening. "
My answer
Thank you for bringing this issue, because it is one many people have problems with. Let us begin by saying that the power sharing erotic feelings are not likely to disappear. Although science has not yet determined exactly what determines our sexual preferences, it is clear that at least a substantial part of it is genetically coded. Your husband is obviously facing a huge problem staff (and as a result, if you are), which is not easy to resolve. Even though he may probably try to set her emotions at the moment, they are very likely to appear again in the future, and it is not unlikely that they will become stronger, because it may try to board his emotions , feelings and fantasies Y will be even. Who gives a lot of tension in your relationship, no doubt.
There is very little or no literature on the subject. This is equivalent to incompatibality partners (which is not uncommon - with or without the erotic power of exchange).
However, the situation is probably not totally hopeless. We will start in a minute. But another first warning. You are quite right to say that the erotic power exchange (even without "the Act") is a form of sexuality, hence there is indeed no exchange without power erotic sex. Having a partner Thursday outside the relationship is a form found much to cope with problems like these. Does this work? Generally not. There are a couple of risks inherent in such an establishment:
* The power erotic exchange will bring out feelings and emotions between the two play. Emotions that were not there before - at least not in a "live". Exhibit partners are very likely to bonds, the non-game spouses should feel left out and the other will be torn between two different people, it (as in this case) with sharing his emotions;
* "Playing without sex," that is what many people would suggest you begin with. You can take our word for it as a sort of "active sex" will evolve quickly because the tension accumulated in the active play requires a liberation AND accumulates sexual needs;
* Since erotic power exchange for most people are very dear, personal and popular feelings, share them with someone will automatically lead to a special relationship that is growing and that things should not be, there will be also slip, although partners to play sincerely do not want that to happen.
Therefore, unless you find a trading partner to play (prostitute, which in this case is highly unlikely because there are very few sub-sex), you pay to play, but I do not create any "relationship" with, risks of this solution are enormous. And you are right, you would be too approved of all this and to deal with it.
Now to the question, is it hopeless? Probably not. Without even knowing exactly what happened between the two of you since it is likely things started on the wrong foot, and your husband is too much to ask. Even without the specific dominant / submissive dynamics, there are very few women who will not be attracted by the "exciting" eroticism and sexuality (even if you yourself and accept your desires first). Remember, we are not going to throw the "you are subject, but you do not know yet" routine on you, because it's nonsense.
However, try to do so and to consider the following situation: You are blindfolded (with something soft as silk) and everything they do is carress you, excite you, you embrace the whole, perhaps you tickle a little, and undertakes every effort to seduce you. No whips, no strings and wrists, not heavy leather stuff, just a banner, perhaps a glass of wine, candles, soft music, comfort, enjoyment and MOST IMPORTANT, no stress . Just pure and simple enjoyment. Chances are that you really want this power and erotic IS exchange where you leave him to work out of her ass to seduce you, then it will be whoever has the initiative and it is exactly the dynamic that Are we really talking.
Something like the above - and please take the tension and stress, forget to be called a slave, asking him captain or something, forget the fact that it is the erotic power of exchange, it is enough to savor -- could simply be the joy and pleasure. There are many other simple ways to bring out the same eroticism. For example, to enable him to "order" to cook a wonderful candlelight dinner for two people. This is likely to make a beautiful entrance to the pure enjoyment too.
The above examples are simple and very erotic and intimate forms of role play without all the heavy elements, and they - or other means - can lead a wonderful way to experience what you like and what not. Let choose your clothes for once, you do simple things for him, and please be receptive to it and respond to all, it's erotic power exchange and to use him as you, without the heavy stuff. The idea is to learn and play and try TWO FUN and experiment with things, without the stress, the need, and so on.
Is it going further? Who's to say. It depends entirely on you two. But try to do that. It is not as frightening as it seems that you can see (or at least it should not be). It offers both of you a chance to explore, for him to learn and understand that the trick (in any of setting erotic power exchange) is NOT subtle hints and heavy (most what you see is pornography, and has little to do with things people do in their homes).
By all means talk about it, to communicate and share what each of you can and can not do. This applies to you too and should be respected.
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